Jonnie Falafel

The questions started out all very innocent, 'Are you a Catholic?' I clicked the 'No' option. I didn't even know why they were appearing. Vanity compelled me on. 'Do you believe in God?' There was no 'well er...' option, so again I clicked 'No'. I liked this game. Much better than the Bubble Witch Saga. I understood this one and, there were no wrong answers. The display of thumbnail pictures to right changed a little. Questions came thick and fast. And with each answer the thumbnails changed. A light went on at question thirty, “Would you have sex on a first date?” There were no options for 'I'm a bloke you numpty, it's self-evident', or 'I'd wait until later rather than cause a fuss in the restaurant.' Apparently I've joined a dating App. The Galaxy is trying to organise my love life. When I first switched it on it began talking behind my back and swiping information from any Samsung device in range. It's siphoned my Facebook profile and is putting it about Arezzo. Every answer ruled out one market and opened up another. I know because Cinzia, Elena, Daniella and half a dozen ladies of a certain age have seen my profile and are barking up the wrong tree! That's what happened. Honestly your honour.

Anyhow, here's some post-modern self-referential bloggery. A peek into my mailbox.

Is Jonnie Falafel your real name? What's this? The Spanish Inquisition? My real name is Alfonso Maria Torquemada. That had to go? Pestered night and day with a name like that! It's what happens when your sailor dad gets extended shore leave in Santiago. Dark eyebrows and salsa dancing skills? Those genes didn't emanate from Wolverhampton.

Why Italy? Classic mid-life crisis. Too many programmes of the 'No Going Back' ilk. (Actually, they've mostly all gone back!) Over-indulgence in 'memoirs' like Annie Hawes Extra Virgin about Liguria or that ex-Genesis drummer guy who wrote Driving Over lemons about Andalusia. Mind you even the guy who wrote TheDark Heart of Italy still lives in Bologna after twenty years and sings the praises of the Italian caffè.

Do you miss England? Depends which England. The rolling hills of the Yorkshire Dales. Riverside walks. Lively market towns. A good pub. The eco-socialist republic of Hebden Bridge. The ease with which things get done. Transparency of social situations. Complex conversations. People. I miss all those things. You can keep the coalition government, cutbacks, TV and the dull uniformity of towns and cities.

Have you thought about writing a book? Appeals to the ego! An alternative living would come in handy too! Alas nobody wants to pay anyone to write any more. The print market seems to have dwindled to a handful of gazillion selling authors and Amazon has depressed the price of books so much there's not much back-wash to authors. I know hand held devices are the in thing, but I haven't looked into electronic publishing beyond reading a few articles about it. Writing isn't going to remedy anyone's economic straits.

What does 'slow food vegan who knows you can't get an ought from an is' mean? Slow Food principles say food should be Good, Clean & Fair. Good, in the sense of good quality and healthy. Clean in the sense of grown with minimal or no use of pesticides & herbicides. Fair in that it should pay the producers and distributors a living. Carlo Petrini founded the movement to counter corporate food culture obscuring the connections between food production and consumption.

Slow Food

More than a decade after reading Slow Food, my thinking is more complicated. To begin with I mistook it for the 'Italian Way'. This isn't so. Whilst traditions of production are stronger here, especially in Tuscany and Umbria, the general trend is towards the same methods and bland-out of Northern Europe. The problem of earning a living that small producers face in say, Yorkshire, exists here too. And I tut-tut at folks shopping baskets almost – but not quite - as much as I did there! I can't claim the moral high ground. I love my Turkish tahini, Dutch peanut butter and Argentinian avocados! Generally speaking, the influence of the movement is exaggerated.

Some elements of it are deeply conservative; about keeping a 'closed shop' on certain products or methods (although I do understand that DOC classifications are one way producers can maintain a living). I admire the the Genuino Clandestino – groups of young farmers and producers whose guarantee of quality comes from the fact they they are local enough to know and that you can visit and check them out when you want to. Most simply cannot afford to buy into the organic or DOC closed shops.

I looked at animals, domestic & farmed (I mean farmed too! 'Farm animals' is a euphemism). They have central nervous systems and an anatomy and physiology quite like mine. It didn't seem rational that they couldn't feel or suffer in similar ways. A sort of suffocating panic came over me when I thought of the industrial scale of the suffering and the slaughter. We are lucky enough live in a time and place of plenty where, as an omnivorous species, we have the luxury to choose what we eat. The penny dropped nearly thirty four years ago. You don't have to participate.

Is vegan what you are or what you do? The dietary practice of eschewing products of animal origin? Or something more? Veganism is just one response to the industrial scale suffering of animals. One manifestation of the urge towards compassion. Anyone doing anything to tip the balance in favour of compassion should be applauded and encouraged. Indeed, in utilitarian terms it's perfectly possible for a meat eater to do more to alleviate animal suffering than a dietary vegan.

I'm not the perfect vegan. If someone slaps a lump of butter in the middle of my risotto I eat it. Vegan not possible - default to vegetarian. Take the Paris Exemption. Animal rights philosopher Peter Singer does. Jeffrey Masson does. A lot of vegans do.

There's a general confusion about matters of fact and matters of value. For example, it's argued that because we have canine teeth we are designed to eat meat. Others counter that because we have a long digestive tract we are natural herbivores. But even if we were designed to eat meat, it doesn't automatically follow that we should or ought to eat meat. We might equally conclude that we should suppress our nature in order to alleviate animal suffering or for some other moral reason. Vice versa for t the long tract persuaded. The ought doesn't logically follow from the is.

And sometimes a reader writes for advice.....

I'm thinking of moving to Italy.... Come and stay for a few months. Maybe try out some different settings, learn a bit about the culture and language, look at work options. Then retreat to a safe distance and make a rational decision.

And it's not all flattery...

Your tone is very cynical. I would admit to being sceptical. I enjoy irony. I'm the same person I was in England and I didn't Pollyanna around in a beatific haze saying all was rosy in the garden there either.

Your views about Italy are ignorant and bad mannered. When I write about iniquities I can be ill-tempered and bad mannered. Foreigners have different perspectives. For example, Bill Brysons travelogues of Britain are entertaining because he's an outsider. Insiders sometimes don't see the wood for the trees. The lake of my ignorance is much deeper and wider than the puddle of my knowledge. This isn't modesty, but the human condition. I prefer it when someone makes this kind of criticism if they would tell me on which points I am mistaken. A real exchange of views is preferable and I might even be persuaded. Everyone is free to comment on the blog. I moderate the comments but all views are welcome. I remove commercial content if it's not relevant.

The Edible Spoon

“Sometimes” sang Neil Young, “old ways can drag you down”. Tradition is a double-edged sword. Thankfully for veggies and vegans there's enough to choose from on the average menu in Tuscany.

Original Veggie Restaurant in Florence

Pizza Marinara. Suggestive of fish? The ubiquitous anchovy perhaps? It often gets top billing because it's the simplest and therefore the cheapest. Tomato sauce, a good hit of garlic and a soupçon of oregano. That's all folks. It's only a great sludge of flavour neutralising rubbery mozzarella away from the Margherita – usually next on the list - but totally vegan. The best have garlic enough to kill a beginner (IMHO). Not so much a hit, but complete taste bud assault and battery. Vampire repellent. Vegan and fancy pizza? Start here. Then add whatever other ingredients you see elsewhere on the menu. For me a slug of salty capers (più caperi – pron. “pee-oo”. So it's “pee-oo” then whatever pleases you) does it. Finish with a generous drizzle of chilli oil (no Italian required since it'll be part of the furniture in any pizzeria worth its salt).

But every silver lining has a cloud. Vegans invoking the Paris exemption¹, or veggie Calvinists note: the cheese you're tucking into is probably made using animal rennet. Even some notable vegetarian establishments will charge you more if you want cheese made with non-animal rennet. Fair enough; it's harder to get and it costs more. Then again they're not singing very loudly about their non-veggie cheese.

Panzanella

But get a grip, stop whining and have a word with yourselves. Loads of Italian dishes are traditionally vegan or easily veganisable. Penne al arrabiata, Spaghetti agli'olio, Bruschette, Panzanella, Risotto, Macedonia (it's fruit salad!) to name a few. Even within traditional Tuscan/Umbrian cuisine there's a fair number of choices. The rest of Italy call Tuscans the 'bean eaters' for reasons other than the pejorative suggestion that they're simple. Zuppa di fagioli, (bean soup), Zuppa di farro (spelt soup) and Ribollita (anything goes whatever left over veg and beans there are with a bit of pasta thrown in, soup) are heavenly and satisfying when done well and served in big portions. I love a plate of Ceci con Rosmarino, (chick peas with rosemary). Mash them down on thick slices of bread with the back of your fork so that the unctuous garlicky (spot a theme) juices drizzle down fingers and chin. It's why you have a napkin!

Ham bones in the stock? I've never come across them. I don't think anyone has tried to pull the wool over my eyes. I can usually sniff out an anchovy in a gallon of mayonnaise and the congealing mouth-feel of animal fats is an instant give away... so don't even try! Parmesan or Grana Padana are usually served separately for these dishes. Watch what's happening with other diners and then decide if the issue needs tackling. Once I ordered the chick peas to find a huge chunk of butter melting in the middle that wasn't mentioned on the menu. I removed it and continued as normal. If it had been meat or fish I'd have sent it back. It's your call.

Eat whatever you please from the menu. Nobody sticks rigidly to the traditional five courses. Anyway, if you are foreign a level of weirdness is de rigeur! You're more likely to find acceptable dishes in the 'antipasti', 'primi' and 'contorni' sections. Be warned: antipasti suggests a little something before the meal but they can be quite substantial offerings. Cheese and fish often creep into antipasti called 'vegetariano', so it's best to look at the ingredients of all the antipasti and then invent your own combination. Most places will sell you a plate of mixed antipasti for a whole party. Artichokes, grilled peppers, aubergines and zucchini are delicious; especially if they've been stored under oil. Again, squashed onto a chunk of bread and eaten with some beans they're a meal themselves. Primi tend to be all the pasta, rice and soup dishes. Contorni are vegetables or side dishes and always disproportionately expensive. You can pay €5 plus for a dollop of spinach! Salads are in this section too and in spite of the variety of good fruit and vegetables you see on markets they are usually nothing to write home about. Moreover, your only dressing will be olive oil and either white wine or balsamic vinegar. There are few places that do salad well. When you find one, relish it.

Honey is the food of Beelzebub, and not for reasons vegan. Bee-keeping versus the industrial scale suffering of farmed animals with anatomy and physiology just like mine? Frankly, comparisons are barmy. It's hard times for the humble honey bee as populations diminish and I wonder if we shouldn't be thankful to bee-keepers trying to preserve and nurture a cornerstone of the ecology. But you need to be aware that honey is used a lot if it offends your taste or ethics.

Foccacia, dripping with olive oil and encrusted with flaked salt is as rare as rocking horse excrement. Do Tuscans believe it's for sissies? Bread here emerges from the oven as tough as coconut matting: only with less flavour. There's no salt! Granted, the locals seem to like it. (I once watched someone tear the middle out of a loaf and I imagined it was so she could eat the softest bit. No, she threw it away and chowed down on the balsa crust) But press the chickpeas or the antipasti into it and suddenly a light comes on. It's an edible spoon. Or turn it into Panzanella with lemon juice and a good olive oil and suddenly you're onto something.

Hearty Zuppa di Farro (Spelt Soup)

The no salt rule they say, is an anachronism. Apparently salt was once excessively taxed. But why keep on doing it? It's just the way it is and ipso facto must forever be. Funghi must always be married with sage and no other herb. You didn't know that?! Culinary stick in the muds. I once spotted an Indian restaurant in altrarno Florence. My excitement was somewhat diminished when the first two items on the menu were Lasagne and (more weirdly) Doner Kebab. If they made lasagne why why couldn't they stretch to Mousaka? The raw material is there! Would it be just too weird? It's only a step away from Melanzane Parmigiano for goodness sake. Straying too far is commercial suicide maybe? Perhaps it's the imperative that makes the Japanese restaurants (a rarity, by the way) bill the glass noodles as 'spaghetti' and serve Tiramisu for dessert! Doesn't frighten the horses.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not knocking traditions, but dogmatism. I don't propose throwing the bimbo out with the bathwater. Art didn't end with the renaissance and the idea that it's either McDonalds or Wild Boar stew is just as potty (listen and learn Slow Food conservatives!). But where traditions are extended and where other influences thrive so usually do the options for veg*ns. Inside the box thinking among Italian veg*ns is evident in the over-reliance on the hideous sietan as a meat substitute. Thankfully, for those of us who prefer our main course unvulcanised this too is gradually being broken down and Italian veggie food blogs and cook books are beginning to pull in other influences.

On a practical note Happy Cow is a great resource for visiting veggies. Check it out. The places I'd recommend if you're in Florence are the long established scrubbed table canteen of Il Vegetariano. ² I'm happy to report that the salads here are fabulous and the system for ordering food entertainingly arcane. Outside the box, but very central and near the river is Libreria Brac³. As the name suggests it's housed in a bookshop. Indeed, you dine among the bookshelves filled with tomes on architecture and design. Their penne comes with (cue fanfare) a curry sauce and their fennel, orange and almond salad is more than the sum of it's parts and in gut-busting portions!

1. The 'Paris exemption' was coined by  Peter Singer of philosophy fame and advocates defaulting to vegetarianism where no vegan options are available. 'Paris' because France is notoriously unadaptable to vegetarianism. 
2. Il Vegetariano
3. Liberia Brac